SLURPRISE!

SLURPRISE!

An out of vogue entertainment troupe has to think fast to save what might be their last booking before they go extinct, and their asses at the same time.

“Officially Over the Hill” read the sign with balloons and streamers dangling from Stephanie Hurst’s designer mailbox. This was going to be an epic reunion, and birthday bash for Beth, the first of her sorority sisters to reach the big 6-0.  She was determined to make it kick ass. 

“You’re gonna die when you see what I’ve arranged!” bubbled Stephanie’s  longtime friend, Jewels, over the phone.

“Ok, spill…”

“Surprise!” cried Jewels. “You’ll see! It’s really going to take us back! Hanging up now!”

Good God, Stephanie thought, thinking back on their college days.  Sometimes Jewel’s well-known ‘out of the box’ ideas were so far out of the box they were in an envelope. She prayed this one wouldn’t land them in handcuffs again.
 

 “Maria, the most important things are for you to answer the door, make sure buffet table is kept full, and stay on top of clean-up,” Stephanie instructed her hired girl. “I’ve bought enough tequila to sink a battleship and these ladies can get wild! – Oh! And be very careful with my crystal! That Lalique bowl alone is worth a month’s salary!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Maria nodded, eyeing the iced shrimp bowl with trepidation. 

Jewels arrived first, then Cindy. The ‘Unholy Three’ bear-hugged, then ushered in ‘Girl’s Night Out Revisited’ with healthy shots of Patron.  Shot glasses clinked and the first of the tequila sloshed onto the carpet.

A dilapidated van rumbled down Hwy 14. Inside were three men dressed in costumes designed to be torn off with ease.

“I’m starving!” Hard Hat, dressed as a construction worker, complained. “Let’s hit a drive-through.”

“Just do what you always do, and dance past the buffet table. You’ve finessed that move by now!” Navy, dressed in a sailor suit, laughed.

 “We can’t be late for our first gig in months,” said Chief, in full American Indian War-Chief regalia. “And since we’re three men down from what we contracted for, don’t miss your cues to duck out for costume changes so they don’t realize we’re short!”

 “Got it, Chief!”

Maria raced between the kitchen and the front door as Psi Delta Gammas poured in.  Raucous tunes belted from speakers, and soon Maria was dodging thirty drunken dancing girls as she scurried about.

“So what’s this surprise?” Cindy prodded Jewels.

“You’ll see.” Jewels grinned the grin of the wicked.

When the doorbell rang again, Maria opened it to a tall man in a feathered headdress.

“Where’s Beth?” he shouted, pushing past her, followed a construction worker and a sailor holding a boom-box blasting the tune, “Y.M.C.A.”

“STRIPPERS!”  Someone screamed. Chief hunkered over the birthday girl with an invitation in his eyes. Squeals reverberated down the block, as the men grooved to the beat and giggling partiers struggled for correct letter choreography in time to the music. Handbags soon turned upside down on the carpet in a desperate search for dollar bills.

Hard Hat ripped off his Levi’s revealing a gold g-string to swooning women.  Navy roped sea worshipers into a corner with his long sailor tie. Greenbacks spilled from every conceivable pocket until in an unanticipated epic move, he was sporting a bedazzled thong of his own. The music of the Village People throbbed on as Cindy re-filled shot glasses at warp-speed.

Maria stood stricken over the buffet table. She had come to refill the shrimp, but the valuable Lalique crystal bowl wasn’t there. Her chest constricting, she finally edged over to whisper to Stephanie who was almost past the ability to form words, but the point registered. Cindy, noticing the tension, moved in, along with Jewels, as Maria swore tearfully she wasn’t to blame.

“What’s up?”

“A valuable crystal bowl is missing,”

“Well, 'm shuure it’s in the kitten…kitchen.”

“It’s not,” Maria choked back more tears.

“Well, izzit worth ruing the party now to get to the bottom of thiz mystery?” muttered Jewels. “We can’t just accuse somebody, maybe we should call the pleece…Let them hand…”

Perched on Penelope’s lap behind them, Chief overheard every word. He studied the buffet table, then danced towards Navy. 

“I think we have a problem,” he whispered, eyeing a trickle of water leading from the table to the door. “Time for my costume change! Be ready to cue the music when I come back.” 

He turned and shouted above the din, “WHO WANTS TO RIDE A COWBOY?” 

 

“WE DO!” the women squealed.

“WELL, HE’S COOOMING!”  He darted out the door bathed in a shower of war whoops. 

Outside, a trail of shrimp tails led to the van where Hard Hat sat spread-eagled in the open door, hard hat between his knees. He was devouring shrimp at an astounding rate out of the crystal bowl that sat within it. Chief couldn’t contain his fury.

“What the hell have you done?” he bellowed.

“I was hungry! What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is you’ve got a bowl worth thousands of dollars between your knees! They’re about to call the cops!”

“Oh shit!”

“You asshole! First job we’ve had in months and you fuck it all up. How many cougars you think there are left in this town who remember this fucking band, anyway? We’ve got to get this bowl back inside! Change your costume NOW and follow me!” he snarled, yanking a uniform off its peg. After scrubbing off his war paint, he snatched the bowl and marched toward the house. 

The door flung open to reveal a policeman gyrating under the porch light, crystal prisms glinting high over his head like a disco ball. Navy punched the boombox. ‘Macho Macho Man’ reverberated.

“Somebody call for a policeman?” he cried. “I found this in the birdbath,” he said, brandishing the bowl. “Who’s been feeding the birds?” He tangoed the bowl to the buffet table, then aimed for the Unholy Three where the officer’s pants came apart at the seams. A rhinestoned cowboy sashayed behind.

“Who called the pleece?” slurred Cindy.

“Notmeee!”  Jewels tilted her head to focus. 

“Who freaking caaares?”  cried Stephanie. “You got  handcuffs, Ossifer?”
 

 by Taree Belardes

NYC Flash Fiction Comp 2018 ()

Genre: Mystery

Location: A birthday party
Object to include: A hard hat
Word length: 1,000

 7/15/18