THE
COWBOY AND THE LADY
Two lost souls unwittingly interfere in each other’s repeated attempts to do themselves in.
Is it coincidence, or are they meant for each other?
My occupation, besides being a real conversation
killer, consists mainly of hauling dead bodies around, but my service comes
with a gimmick.
“The Ride-Along” offers luxury conveyance, in the
hearse, right along with the deceased, “to the very end of the line.” A final farewell
on wheels, you might say, and I own two custom-converted stretch limos to get your
dead body there in style. The biggest downside is dealing with the live ones
left behind.
Let’s face it, the day that changed my life just
started out bad. First, the wind blew one letter off my billboard, leaving it
reading like this;
AFTERLIFE
LIMOUSINE SERVICE
WE
TAKE YOU HOME IN THE STY E YOU DESERVE
Add to that a dead battery and a burn hole in the
backseat of the Lincoln, courtesy of
a pack of stoners who spent the ride passing joints, shooting tequila, and arguing
over somebody’s missing stash. When I stepped in, one “brotha’” slurred at me,
“Izzz cool, dude.”
“Not really,” I told him. “My car smells like happy
hour at the Four Horsemen and the back-seat’s on fire. Where’s your respect for
other people’s property?”
“Don’t be a jerk, man. We’re in mourning.”
“Me too,” I said.
Next stop, Rossi Brothers Mortuary, where the family
piled right in with the body and then plotted a caper to “inherit” the gold
right off poor old Aunt Pearl’s fingers. Pearl was not even planted before the
arguments began over everything she left behind.
“The oldest always picks first!”
“Oldest hasn’t seen her in thirty years.”
“What makes you special?”
“It’s only been ten.”
“At least I call at Christmas.”
“She’s Jewish, you idiot.”
I jumped when the privacy partition crashed open. “Hey driver! Explain to my bitch sister why the oldest gets first choice of the goods!”
“I like to keep out of family business,” I answered
politely.
“Only pussies are afraid to take sides. Keep drivin’, Jeeves.”
I
had a real charmer back there.
“Hey Jeeves! If you can think for yourself, think you
can find your way to the Four Horseman without getting lost? I need ALCOHOL
before I strangle this witch!”
I gripped the wheel, feeling anger surge like a blown
socket and my blood pressure rise. Stupid Troglodytes didn’t know when they had
it good. At least they had family to swear
at and steal from. The last of mine, my favorite, Aunt Audrey, departed a
decade ago. In fact, her poker winnings bought me this business, but it’s been
a steady stream of ungrateful bastards in my back seats, ever since. Rage sweated
from every pore.
I swerved off the road and killed the engine. My
head swiveled backwards, exorcist style, to lock eyes with Cousin Earl, and give
him the devil stare. Then, I stepped from the car and started walking… away
from the Afterlife Limousine Service and the Troglodyte Family in one grand
gesture.
Behind me, silence reigned briefly before the family
spilled out of the hearse like clowns from a clown car. Cell phones chirped to
life as Yelp.com lit up the evening sky. Cousin Earl’s voice rang out. Without
turning, I thrust my middle finger skyward, the setting sun glinting off my
fingernail like a tiny spark of I don’t
give a shit.
If only I’d put a down payment on that ranch like I
always wanted, I thought with regret. What I really dreamed of was the life of
a cowboy, owning a ranch, riding horses...herding cattle… but everyone said I
was way too smart to waste my talents herding dumb animals. Stupid me, why
did I listen? I ended up herding animals that were even dumber.
But I sucked at this bereavement shit, mostly due to
my unreliable social skills, and now, all I had was a little black book of friends
who’d fallen away as I grew my business, no job, no family, and an antipathy
for the human race that was swallowing me whole.
I kept walking with absolutely no plan in mind until
the Golden Gate Bridge, alive with light, rose up before me like the fiery
entrance to another world. I imagined a world where people treated each other
with regard and respect, and decided that world wasn’t this one.
A less determined jumper might have balked at the
suicide panels rising up to the heavens. Instead, I accepted the challenge with
calm determination. I proceeded to the middle of the bridge where a girder called
to me. Hauling myself up was no easy task, but I eventually found my sweet
spot. My legs dangled precariously as I peered into the dark waters, savoring
my accomplishment so far. Only one thing left to do.
It was only then I realized I was not alone.
Off to my left, barely a yard away, a figure
huddled, knees drawn up, both hands gripping cables as she perched atop the
rail. Long auburn hair wafted in the sea breeze, an arc of light reflected in
it, creating a halo effect. Her body stiffened, perceiving my attention.
The silence between us yawned outward into space
until I nearly exploded with the need to pull it back in, lest she lean any
further out.
“Well hello, little lady,” I drawled in my best John
Wayne.
“Back off, Buckaroo!” she snapped.
Stung, I drew back upon myself, while she continued
to tilt…
“Looks mighty cold down there,” I offered, after a
bit…
“Maybe not cold enough.”
“What if he doesn’t show?”
“Who?”
“Your date.”
“Do I look to you like I have a date?”
“Well, um yeah… you’re meeting Davey Jones, right?”
Silence.
“What if he doesn’t show? What if Jaws likes you
better?”
“Funny,” she
said in monotone, and let go of a cable.
I panicked. “Please
don’t jump!”
“Why not?”
“Um…I can’t afford to lose any more family…”
“What are you, crazy? I’m not your…”
“Uh, family of man…” don’t jump don’t jump
"Good grief.”
“Care to tell me why we’re meeting like this?”
“I’ve lost someone.”
“I’m sorry. Family?”
“My aunt. She raised me. What family I have left is evil
and conniving. I’d like to throw them all off this bridge!”
“That bad, huh? Listen, why not take some more time
to think about this. Let me take you home. I bet you’ll feel a lot better in
the morning…the sun shining....”
“I don’t even know you.”
“Well, you weren’t that picky when you decided to sleep
with Davey Jones, you don’t know him, either.”
She turned to look at me with the biggest, glistening
jade-green eyes I’d ever seen, and they almost
smiled.
“His locker does look pretty uninviting… scum
floating in it and all…”
“His friends are nasty too…might just nibble an arm
off…”
“What about you? What drove you up here?”
“Run in with Troglodytes.”
“Sounds ugly.”
“Hideously.”
I offered my hand and waited, rejoicing silently
when delicate fingers slid into mine.
Thankfully, the limo was just as I left it, with the
exception of “YOU’RE DEAD” scrawled in blood red lipstick across the front window.
“You drive a limo?”
I stepped forward to block the hearse’s livery while
opening the passenger door. No sense adding insult to injury by mocking her
choices for the evening. “Yes,” I half-fibbed.
“So, who hates you?”
“Everyone,” I said truthfully. “What will you do after
I drop you off?”
“Jet to London,” she said sarcastically.
“How about shopping? Don’t women shop when they feel
bad?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Ice cream?” She gave me a stare cold as rocky road.
“You can let
me off here…”
“But there’s no houses here…
“Dunkin’ Doughnuts,” she said, slamming the door before
jaywalking across the busy street.
I sat in the car watching her disappear into
traffic, marveling at how fearless she was.
After a stormy, guilt-ridden night of torturous
insomnia, I got up, depressed and disillusioned. Despite my previous evening’s cheery
advice, the shiny sun didn’t help. I closed my eyes, imagining jade-green eyes
I’d never see again, losing what little desire I had left to see tomorrow. Maybe
I’d take a jog downtown to a wonderful place where the trolleys do a little
turnaround. This seemed like a dandy place to step out into traffic, and
complete yesterday’s mission.
Once there, I ignored the small, waiting crowd as I concentrated
on an approaching trolley and readied myself for the hurl. As it barreled
toward me, a silhouette lunged forward right into its path. Instinctively, I
made a grab for it. Yanked backwards, it turned the biggest jade-green eyes I’d
hardly ever seen on me, and they were PISSED!
“YOU
AGAIN,” she spat, incredulously. “Are
you STALKING me?”
“I…no…I…I just happened to be here…”
“Really,” she shot back in utter disbelief.
“Honestly!” I assured
her. “Pure, unadulterated coincidence. Evil family again?” She nodded.
I surveyed the exquisite creature before me.
“Listen,” I said, taking her elbow, “There’s a bar
over on Barnsdale I’ve been wanting to try. If you’d do me the honor, little lady,
maybe over some fine whiskey we can figure a tidier way to take you out.”
“You do a terrible John Wayne.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Strains of “Achy Breaky Heart” issued from the cheesy
Wild West façade of the Sundance Saloon. We stepped from sunshine into absolute
darkness, feeling our way to the bar. I ordered Manhattans while she studied
the murky depths of the place.
“Is this supposed to be a cowboy bar?” she asked
sweetly.
“Yeah,” I said, blushing. “I love cowboys.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place!” she said, pointing
to the dance floor where twenty dudes in cowboy hats two-stepped cheek to cheek.
“Snappy dressers,” I quipped, enjoying her grin.
I was studying the curve of her cheekbone just below
those incredible eyes when she caught me in the act.
“I must look awful. I didn’t sleep much last night.”
“You look great, actually...”
“You’re a nice guy,” she said. “Is it hard, being a
hero all the time?”
“A hero?”
“Well, you’ve rescued me twice now. I don’t
understand how.”
“Listen, I should tell you something…”
“You’re John Wayne?”
“Yeah, that.” The
yellow-bellied version.
“I’d planned to go to the country today,” she said. “Get
away. There’s this place I loved as a kid. Real serene and beautiful. Used to dream
of riding horses there… back when I still had dreams.”
“Tell me your
dream,” I said. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
She gave me a real smile. “You’ll laugh.”
“Never.”
“I dreamed of being a bareback rider. It’s like
dancing on horseback. In a tutu. I loved tutus,” she added shyly.
My jaw dropped. It did.
“You’re laughing. Behind your eyes.”
“No!...Really…I love horses too! You don’t know… So what happened today? Why
the change in plans, so to speak?”
“I don’t know, there I was, waiting for the trolley,
when a cousin calls me.”
“An evil one?”
“Pure evil! He calls to argue over the inheritance
from my Aunt’s estate. All I really wanted was my Aunt Pearl’s
antique thimble collection. It’s sentimental. She taught me to sew. Then he’s raving
on about some hearse driver…”
“Hold on… Aunt Pearl?”
“Yes, why?
“Holy shit! You’re a Troglodyte!” I blurted out.
Her eyes flashed. “Excuse me?”
“I meant…” I stammered.
“You know, I might be a mess, but that doesn’t give
you any right to insult me! Damn you! I
knew better than to…” Her jade-green eyes welled up, and then she was gone.
Someone tapped my shoulder. “Care to dance?” the
Cisco Kid asked.
After that, I tried with no real gusto to reclaim my
business from my disastrous last act. Failing that, I sold Afterlife to someone
who, I’m sure, will make it rise from the ashes in spite of me and my yelp reviews.
On my last day, I sat at my desk, frozen, afraid to
move. Well, you can’t stay here. Finally,
I grabbed the cowboy hat that had been hanging on a nail for ten years, and
slapped it on my head, squeezing my eyes shut against the dust settling like a
final curtain. My trusty pickup waited
to carry me away. I had a pocket full of cash and nobody to spend it on, nowhere
to go and nothing that needed doing. Epic Loser.
I guess I knew without thinking where I was going as
the highway threaded its way out of the city. I’d been exploring the secluded
swimming hole at Redwood Creek since childhood and there was no prettier or
more isolated spot in which to make a final exit.
I locked my valuables in the glove box, and followed
the horse trail to the water. Beauty, and the scent of eucalyptus enveloped me.
My ranch would look like this, I
thought dreamily…but that dream was lost. Ambling over to the bank, I sat down
to savor my last moments, letting the sunshine wash over me.
“We’ve really got to stop meeting like this,” a
voice said, from a large rock overhanging the water.
My eyes popped open, squinting against the sun.
“Who’s that?” I said. But I knew.
“Hell, it’s ME! What do you do? Plant tracking
devices? This is NOT a coincidence!”
“Divine intervention, maybe?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Based on past experience, same thing as you, I
imagine,” I said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The bridge? The trolley?… same place, same idea.”
“You’re serious.”
“Dead serious. Pardon the pun. Saving you, saved me.
Twice.”
“No shit?”
“About last time … I never meant to offend you. I…”
“I figured that out, talking to Evil Earl.”
Just then the wind whipped up and whisked my hat
right off my head. We both watched it take flight, landing in the creek. “Not
my HAT!” I cried, my body already arcing for the dive…
We hit the water in unison, ripples overlapping as
we broke the calm. We surfaced, inches
apart, her jade-green eyes looking straight into mine. I pulled them to me.
“Your hat…” she whispered.
“Forget it,” I said, honing in on her full wet lips.
Then I sank like a stone.
Holy
shit, I’m drowning! Good God, NOT NOW!
Fully soaked, my jeans were dead weight. Unable to stop
my descent, bubbles surrounded her desperate underwater pantomime starring my
zipper. I’m a quick study, though, shedding my pants in record time. She hauled me heavenward.
Choking up water on the shore, I gasped, “How’d you
know to do that?”
“Life Experience,” she sputtered back, indicating her
jeans drying on a rock and the underwear she wore, which I’d mistaken for
swimwear.
“I got here too late,” I said.
“You got here just in time,” she murmured, brushing
back a strand of my hair.
“We've got to go shopping,” I said, sinking into
those eyes.
“You mean like women do, to make themselves feel
better? I already feel better.” “We’re missing something.”
“Your pants?” she giggled.
“Your tutu,” I smiled, kissing her deeply.
Now I just had to convince the Troglodytes not to
kill me.
--by Teresa Belardes @ 2/14/2014
Genre; Romantic Comedy
Subject; Anger
Character; A limousine driver
Word limit; 2,500
NYC MIDNIGHT SHORT STORY CONTEST 2014
NYC MIDNIGHT SHORT STORY CONTEST 2014
(Winner grp ? 1st round sscomp)
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